I’ll admit it. I’m not very good at this blogging thing. If you’re reading this right now, then I feel a little sorry for you for keeping up with this blog. The truth is, I don’t make much time for writing in my schedule. I would say that I don’t have the time, but then I know I’ll get slapped in the face with the old saying about how you can always make time for what’s important.

A couple of years ago, my wife was working full-time and I was figuring out how to make money designing websites. I was just getting started, so there wasn’t exactly a stack of work on my desk to greet me every morning. Instead, I typically woke up and did some casual reading and study, coffee cup in hand. I would listen to sermons or talk radio. For a while there, I could be found listening to talk radio nearly 8 hours a day. That was a whole lot of people yapping in my ear all day and that can’t be healthy.

But as a result, my mind would be constantly filled with spiritual/cultural/political topics and I had the time to afford a couple of hours to writing a post. And even then, I only mustered up the discipline to write something once every couple of weeks.

These days I typically wake up with an email inbox full of items requiring my correspondence, a to-do list full of design tasks, and a few clients breathing down my neck asking me to deliver something ASAP. I also have to listen to that little voice in my head that’s saying that if I’m not working, I’m not earning any money and therefore I’m wasting time that I could be using to be productive or at least be hanging out with my family.

And therein lies the struggle with freelancing and working from home. Now, these are things that I’ll be hard-pressed to ever give up if I don’t have to, but they do have their downsides. “Time is money” more than ever for a freelancer. So if I already spend 10 plus hours a day in front of my computer, it becomes less appealing to suggest to myself that I spend an extra hour or two at my desk to write a blog post that only a handful of people will ever read.

I have a firm belief in the theology of rest. Of course, this has often been mistaken for laziness (ok, maybe it’s not always a mistake), but I’ve always thought it was important to discover what makes you feel rested and make sure you make time for those things on a regular basis. For me, I feel rested when I step away from this computer (no matter how much I enjoy using it) and kick back on the couch for an hour or so. I’ll even dare to say that watching TV gives me rest. More recently, I’ve rediscovered how renewed I feel when I sit out on our porch and just be silent in meditation. I tell myself that reading isn’t restful because it uses my brain too much, but honestly, I have to say that the peace and quiet that comes with sitting down with a book is unavoidably therapeutic.

So what about writing? I’m a pretty internal guy, so writing doesn’t come naturally to me. I have to discipline myself to do it. And honestly, I feel like I discipline myself enough during the day and I don’t think I need another to-do item hassling me all of the time. But if I’m going to be honest with myself (and with everyone, considering I’m blogging about this), I have to admit that I miss writing.

There are some things in my life that I miss, but I only remember that I miss them when I do them. A couple of weeks ago I pulled out my guitar and spent a couple of hours strumming, worshipping. That night I remembered that I missed playing music. I missed the way I seemingly channeled the Spirit with my hands and those strings.

A few days before that night, I went to dinner with some of my best friends. I hang out with these guys only a few times a year, though we live relatively near each other. That night I remembered that I miss communing with close friends. I missed the way we talk and tell stories and make each other laugh with dirty jokes.

And tonight, on a whim I decided to write. And as I write, I’m remembering how much I miss it. I miss putting my thoughts on paper (so to speak). I miss sharing with others what’s on my mind and my heart. I miss being able to read my own writing and gain a little more understanding about God and how he’s moving in my life. I’ve long believed that Satan’s most potent spiritual tranquilizer is busyness. If we are busy, we are distracted. If we are distracted we miss things. We miss God.

When I write, I’m forced to stop and look for something to write about. I’m forced to look for God. I’m forced to look for truth. I’m forced to look at my life and how I’m living it. I’m forced to deal with the things that I often internalize and forget. Boyd stated things well today in a conversation we had: “I miss the person I was when I wrote.”

Maybe it’s just this time of year and maybe I’m just wrestling with some resolutions for the new year, but in any case, I want to remember the things that I miss. I don’t want a revolutionary change in my life and my weekly schedule. I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work. I really like my life. I just want to remember to do those things that enrich my life. I don’t want to enforce an arbitrary schedule that I think will improve my life. I just want to discover a rhythm in my journey. And I’m not talking about a rhythm you hear slaves chanting when they’re splitting rocks. I want to feel a rhythm in life like I feel rhythm in my hands when I play an old hymn on my guitar. Something that’s not forced (externally or internally), but something that comes out of my heart when I remember how good it is.

So here I am, standing at a familiar intersection. I’ve told myself  that I need to write more. I’ve remembered that I miss Brewing Thoughts.  I can’t help but be skeptical of myself and point out my tendency to forget, but nevertheless, I’ll keep trying. I won’t commit to any frequency or regimen. I’ll simply commit myself to keep trying. To try and remember that this brings a melody to my life and a rhythm to my soul.